Not-quite-daily quote

How to sing the blues
(Attrib to Memphis Earlene Gray with some additional tweaking)

Lyrics
Most blues begin, “I woke up this mornin’”.

“I got me a good woman...”, is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line such as “I got me a good woman, she got the meanest face in town...”

Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

“I got me a good woman, she got the meanest face in town,
Yeah, I got me a good woman, she got the meanest face around,
She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher an’ she weighs 'bout 300 pounds...”

The blues are not about limitless choice. If you’re stuck in a rut, you ain’t getting’ out anytime soon.

Transport
Blues cars are Chevies, old Fords, real old Cadillacs and trucks that don’ hardly run a t’all. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhoun’ bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

A Volvo, Subaru, or BMW is not a blues car. Neither is anything Japanese with stupid blue lights underneath and a 4-inch tailpipe.

Age
Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means you're old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

Location
Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is all wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

Good places for the blues include, but are not limited to, the highway, jail, an empty bed, or the bottom of an empty whisky glass.

Bad places for the blues are the Melbourne Entertainment Centre, any gallery opening, weekends your country house with your girlfriend (unless it's a shack in the woods and she's a 17 year-old runaway and brings her girlfriend along).

Colours
The following colours do not belong in the blues: violet, beige, mauve.

Besides, blues is not a matter of colour. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

Attire
No-one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old, black man with missing teeth.

Cred
Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if your first name is a southern US state like Georgia, you're blind, you’re older than dirt, you shot a man in Memphis, or you can't be satisfied.

No, if you were once blind but now can see, you're deaf, or you have a trust fund.

A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is.

Breaking your leg from skiing is not the blues. Losing a leg -- 'cause an alligator chomped it -- is.

Neither Julio nor Enrique Iglesias, Barbra Streisand, nor Robbie Williams can sing the blues. Ever.

Drinks
Blues beverages include cheap wine, whiskey, muddy water. If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.

Blues beverages are not mixed drinks, any wine that's won an award, Pepsi, Coke, or stupid bottles of water.

Death
If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair for shooting a man in Memphis. Substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room are other blues deaths.

It is not a blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

Names
Some blues names for women include Sadie, Big Mama, Bessie, Fat River Dumpling. Some blues names for men include Joe, Big Willie, Little Willie, Lightnin'.

Persons with names like Sierra, Tarquin, Heather, Nigel, and so on will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

Build your own blues name from our starter kit. Select one from (a), (b) and (c) then play mix and match.

a. Name of a physical infirmity
b. Name of a fruit
c. Last name of a US President

For example, good blues names include Blind Melon Johnson, No-Lips Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, and so on (well, maybe not "Kiwi").